Getting Real

Truth: I've been avoiding my blog. I've been putting my focus inward because I'm still trying to make peace with my body and these sorts of things are hard to talk about with loved ones let alone the whole internet. But I'm at a point where I feel like perhaps broadcasting my issues might help someone shed some light on issues of their own. My weight loss journey has bred some disordered eating habits in my life. As much as I'd like to tell you all that I reached my goal weight and life was perfect and yours can be too, it just didn't happen that way.

When I started eating less and moving more I was morbidly obese and I found calorie restriction to be something that could potentially save my life. Getting the weight off took little effort and went fast because I was determined not to trip up for fear of slipping back into old unhealthy patterns. That chapter ended two years ago. Since then I've been struggling with life after weight loss. Once I hit my first goal weight, it wasn't enough. Five more pounds. And once I lost that, ten more pounds. Reflecting on how I was treating my body at that time where my weight was plummeting below goal frightens me, to be honest. I was eating far too little and exercising far too often and hit a point where my body just stopped losing. I was hungry for praise and attention for my weight loss and once it stopped I didn't know who I was.

Eventually I decided to learn to love food again. That's about the time I started this blog. I was relatively comfortable around food. I put some of the weight back on and have hovered around goal for some time now, however on bad days, weeks, months, I'd revert back to bouts restricted calories/over-exercise. These bouts were always met by a subsequent binge. The kind of eating where you feel like you can never get enough or there will never be enough. The kind of eating you save for times when you're alone and no one can see you because you've believed that eating was "bad" for so long.

With the binge eating and slight re-gain has come a slew of other issues, body image being one. Despite losing all of that weight, I learned that happiness could not be found in size 8 jeans and I would not learn to love myself just because I didn't have to shop in the plus-size section. I still look in the mirror and pinpoint my flaws rather than my successes.

It's a lot to share, but I guess I just want to stress to others on their weight loss journey to be gentle with themselves, for the consequences of setting your expectations too high or resorting to extremes can lead to a lot of troubles way worse than a few extra pounds. Learn to love your body as it is NOW and health should be easy to achieve. So many shame themselves thin instead of focusing on nourishing and strengthening their bodies. Every day I am working towards fixing my relationship with my body, mind, and (of course) food.

On a lighter note, I feel like this past weekend I've made some significant progress. I took my first dance class yesterday. On a whim, I signed up for a crash course in Argentine Tango. It consists of two 4-hour sessions in which you learn the basic moves of the social dance. Because I still struggle with said body issues and leftover shyness from my obese days, the idea of dancing with strangers had my stomach in knots. This first class took me way out of my comfort zone. Around the second hour I was about ready to give up, but I pushed through my discomfort and at one point a switch went off in my head. I can't explain how connected I felt to my body. There was a new awareness of my arms, my chest and my legs as the music echoed through the studio room. When following, we were encouraged to close our eyes as our partners led us around the dance floor. Once I let go, it felt kind of like I was gliding around. Weightless, even.

Thoughts on Living Large & Feeling Small

Ganoga Falls @ Ricketts Glen State Park:

These past few weeks have been confusing for me, however as I stood next to a 94 foot waterfall near my hometown last Saturday I had a moment of clarity. I felt small for the first time in weeks. Maybe months. I felt small in size. I felt small in ratio to the nature surrounding me. My problems felt small, too. I just breathed the misty air, listened to the water rushing over the edge, and let everything go.

Last time I checked in here, I was busy. I was eating more, but over-analyzing how much I ate and how much I exercised. All the math and charts on calories in, calories out, grams of this, percents of that were starting to drive my productivity throughout the day down and my stress level up. It all felt very unnatural to me so I decided it's time to just stop for a while. I don't want to plan every morsel and fret over every bite any more. I started reading Geneen Roth's When Food Is Love, which has inspired me to give intuitive eating a try. Eat when you're hungry, don't eat when you're not. I'm trying to pay more attention to what my body is telling me than to what the food scale is telling me and so far it's helped me really appreciate the food I'm eating.

I'm doing a little spring cleaning from the inside out. Intuitive eating is one part of it. The other part is self-love, which I've discussed a bit here. Body image is something that most women struggle with, and I am no exception. I've made a promise to myself not to pick on my reflection from here on out and have been practicing positive affirmations. It's freeing to feel like I'm starting to accept and love the body that I have rather than pine for the body that I want.

Healthy Happy Hiking.

I want to stop trying to perfect my life and start living it as is. All the kinks and wrinkles will smooth themselves out in time - there's no sense in letting the moment pass while worrying about what's to come. Challenging myself physically, nurturing my body, kindling my creativity, connecting with nature and sharing the love that I have to offer are my priorities.

Our hike through Ricketts Glen reminded me of all the places I'd like to travel to and terrains I'd like to conquer. At 24 years old, I can't help but think about all the adventures ahead of me. I find nature so humbling. For example, the waterfall is magnificent, beautiful, and strong and it doesn't even have to try. It just is. I guess in many ways I'd like to be just like that 94 foot waterfall.

Phantom Fat

And every morning when she looks in the mirror while getting ready for the day, she sees her former, heavier self. “My brain says, ‘Yep, still fat.’”

I have been struggling a lot with body image this week, so when I found this article from MSNBC on so-called Phantom Fat, I felt a little less crazy for being so hard on myself. What is Phantom Fat, you ask? The article explains it as continuing to carry around and perceive the excess weight that is no longer there after significant weight loss. This has been something I can remember trying to figure out as far back as last year, right before reaching my goal weight. When shopping, I still grab clothes that are too large. I still get nervous about taking too much room in the back seat of a crowded vehicle.

When I look in the mirror and honestly don't see an enormous difference. I still have a belly. My cheeks are still chubby. I won't ever have a "bikini body." Sometimes I wonder if what I see is anything similar to what I look like physically. Last week, a friend exclaimed "You're so skinny!" after not seeing me for about six months and internally all I could think was She's just saying that to be nice.

When I was 270 lbs, I'd look at pictures and not recognize myself because what I saw in the mirror was actually smaller than what I saw in photos or videos. It was always shocking to me, so I avoided looking at photographs displaying my full body. (Note: I remember being thoroughly upset by the photo to the left, taken on a family trip to Gettysburg with my mom.) These days, the opposite is true. I see photographs of myself that others have taken and still don't recognize my body, but now it's because my self-perception is much larger than what I'm assuming I look like in reality.

I always feel like I'm looking in a fun-house mirror. My body is constantly changing and I still don't have a solid sense of what sort of space I'm taking up. The summer before beginning my weight loss venture, I vividly remember breaking not one, but two folding chairs while on on the beach. This was mortifying and has always been something I keep in mind when I don't think I can do another rep or run that final mile. Yet, the other day I found myself stressing out about my upcoming vacation, hoping that my family brings along beach chairs sturdy enough to hold my significantly smaller frame. This can easily be attributed to Phantom Fat. I spent about 20 years of my life being overweight and it's hard to break certain ways of thinking and feeling.

“We become numb to how mean we’re being to ourselves,” Ressler says.

I hope to learn to be a little nicer to my reflection in the future. I'm sure it'll take some work and time, but I think it can be done.