Thoughts on Living Large & Feeling Small

Ganoga Falls @ Ricketts Glen State Park:

These past few weeks have been confusing for me, however as I stood next to a 94 foot waterfall near my hometown last Saturday I had a moment of clarity. I felt small for the first time in weeks. Maybe months. I felt small in size. I felt small in ratio to the nature surrounding me. My problems felt small, too. I just breathed the misty air, listened to the water rushing over the edge, and let everything go.

Last time I checked in here, I was busy. I was eating more, but over-analyzing how much I ate and how much I exercised. All the math and charts on calories in, calories out, grams of this, percents of that were starting to drive my productivity throughout the day down and my stress level up. It all felt very unnatural to me so I decided it's time to just stop for a while. I don't want to plan every morsel and fret over every bite any more. I started reading Geneen Roth's When Food Is Love, which has inspired me to give intuitive eating a try. Eat when you're hungry, don't eat when you're not. I'm trying to pay more attention to what my body is telling me than to what the food scale is telling me and so far it's helped me really appreciate the food I'm eating.

I'm doing a little spring cleaning from the inside out. Intuitive eating is one part of it. The other part is self-love, which I've discussed a bit here. Body image is something that most women struggle with, and I am no exception. I've made a promise to myself not to pick on my reflection from here on out and have been practicing positive affirmations. It's freeing to feel like I'm starting to accept and love the body that I have rather than pine for the body that I want.

Healthy Happy Hiking.

I want to stop trying to perfect my life and start living it as is. All the kinks and wrinkles will smooth themselves out in time - there's no sense in letting the moment pass while worrying about what's to come. Challenging myself physically, nurturing my body, kindling my creativity, connecting with nature and sharing the love that I have to offer are my priorities.

Our hike through Ricketts Glen reminded me of all the places I'd like to travel to and terrains I'd like to conquer. At 24 years old, I can't help but think about all the adventures ahead of me. I find nature so humbling. For example, the waterfall is magnificent, beautiful, and strong and it doesn't even have to try. It just is. I guess in many ways I'd like to be just like that 94 foot waterfall.

Balancing Act

Please hire me!

Business is picking up for me. For those of you unaware of my occupation, I am a graphic designer. I have a full time design job in New Jersey by day and by night I try to do as much freelance as possible. When the latter business is slow, I find it relatively easy to make time for exercise and cooking. When it's not slow (which is ideal), fitting it all in without going mad is a struggle.

Somehow, exercise so far this month has included:

Tuesday, March 2: Arc Trainer (30 min) + No More Trouble Zones (30 min)
Wednesday, March 3: Arc Trainer (30 min) + Yoga Meltdown (35 min) + Back 2 Bollywood (30 min)
Thursday, March 4: Arc Trainer (30 min) + The Shred (25 min)
Friday, March 5: The Shred (25 min) + Brisk Walk (45 min)
Saturday: REST
Sunday, March 7: Bicycling as transportation (15 minutes) + The Shred (25 min)
Monday, March 8 : Arc Trainer (30 min) + No More Trouble Zones (55 min)
Tuesday, March 9: Banish Fat Boost Metabolism (55 min)
Wednesday, March 10: Arc Trainer (30 min)
Thursday, March 11: The Shred (25 min) + Stationary Bike (30 min)
Friday, March 12: Arc Trainer (30 min) + Hip Hop Cardio (20 min)
Saturday, March 13: REST
Sunday, March 14: REST
Monday, March 15: Arc Trainer (30 min) + The Shred (25 min)
Tuesday, March 16: The Shred (25 min) + Brisk Walk (40 min)

Looking at that recap, I feel pretty good. It looks like most days I get almost an hour of activity in. I'm not sure HOW, since I feel as though I've constantly been behind a computer screen lately.

However, this past week I've had some pain in my right knee as well as my left ankle. It's quite discouraging and I don't want to stop being active. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do that won't put further stress on these areas? I'm feeling like The Shred might be the culprit, though I'm going to switch from the Arc Trainer to the elliptical for a week and see if less impact helps.

Evidence of upping my calories. Meal courtesy of the gentleman.
Disclaimer: This is not my typical breakfast!

I've upped my calories substantially to balance with the exercise and feel like my energy level has improved, so all is well on that front. I'm not weighing myself at the moment to prevent discouragement. I'm eating healthy and feeling good and realize that this is all that matters. Since I started eating more substantial, well-balanced and satisfying meals I've noticed my post-work kitchen raid for snacks has subsided. I'm also a lot nicer to everyone. That's a perk, right?

Reflecting, I feel like I'm doing an OK job at balancing everything out between work and wellness. I need to work on fitting my social life in there, as I've been pretty impossible to hang out with lately. How do you find a balance between everything?

Day 25: Ups/Downs

I'm going to go out on a limb and post from my heart here. I woke up this morning thinking today would be a relatively calm day compared to the sorts of days I've had thus far this week. I've got a lot on my plate in a lot of different areas of my life right now. Photography, design work, fitness, my 9-5 job, along with the miscellany of day-to-day life such as keeping up with relationships, cooking, commuting, etc got me all wrapped into a big bundle of nerves.

My big struggle lately has been one with the idea of perfection. I am slowly learning that if I am doing a lot of different things, it is most important to do these things consistently well and perhaps not as important to ensure I'm doing them all perfectly. I don't think it's possible and I need to stop feeling guilty for not reaching perfection on a daily basis. Being the best that I can be at something is all that should matter. Right after returning home from a long day and night, however, I was completely lacking the sense to put a thought like this together. Nothing was going right.

My reaction to this a few months ago would be to bake some cookies or muffins to give away, sneakily downing one or two or three before doing so. I'm a notorious stress-baker. Today, however, I popped in the Shred and sweated all my issues out. Shadowboxing never felt so good. Exercise is the perfect "me" time. You are focused and in tune with your body. It is one of the most selfish things you can do. An act of self-love more powerful than any bubble bath or piece of chocolate.

Feeling better after this, I called my parents (whom I talk about a lot on here) to chat about some good news I had received this evening right after my work out. My dad had good news, too. He went ahead and informed me of a discussion he had with a nutritionist he's been talking to on the phone. My father is diabetic and has to closely monitor his blood sugar, etc. The nutritionist grilled him on his activity level and diet. My father told him about how he and my mom started the Shred, so they are effectively working out twenty minutes every day. Cardio, strength, abs. He also told him about what sorts of food he's been eating. Lean proteins, whole grains, veggies. The nutritionist was impressed and my dad went ahead and told him what I had done and how I had sort of passed on what knowledge I picked up along the way onto him and my mom. The nutritionist told Dad that these changes he's made in regards to his health could very well have saved his life and told him to pass the message on to me.

I had no words. Regardless of how fantastic the news I had received earlier was, nothing could possibly be better and more humbling than this. My only reaction was tears (which has been my reaction to most things this evening, both good and bad.) My dad boasted about his blood sugar reading after dinner tonight. He is in control of his disease. I am ecstatic.

Life is short and we should really live it out to the best of our abilities. We should be good to ourselves first. Everything else good seems to follow.

2009, in photos and words

I reflect on 2009 as one of my favorite years to date. It was my first full year at goal weight and I can truly see how my life has been transformed by my weightloss. However, I want to focus on things that happened outside of that part of me, so here's a brief visual summary of my adventures.

January


2009 was a clean slate. No joke. I worked on wiping it clean all throughout December and somehow emerged a new person once the clock struck midnight. I was uncertain but optimistic about what this year would bring. I spent the month learning be alone and looking inward so I could move forward. I did.


February


A month of firsts. Josh and I went on our first date at the end of January and by Valentine's Day we decided to we'd call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. After spending January convincing myself I needed this time alone I was completely caught off-guard by Josh. Everything felt right immediately. This really was a magical month.


March


I think that March is when my love affair with Philadelphia began. I got called to Jury Duty this month and was picked for a trial that lasted a week and a half. I woke up early in the mornings and waited for the El to take me to City Hall. I wandered Reading Terminal and discovered new things about the city on my lunch breaks. After this experience, I felt totally ready to explore on my own.


April


I purchased my bike this month and got up the courage to ride it in the city. It was a triumph of sorts, as I was positive I'd be too nervous to actually do it. I'll never forget the feeling I got when zooming past cars sitting in traffic while I test rode my Huffy (later dubbed "Betty").


May


Picnics and craft fairs. Getting lost and found in the city. Farmers' markets. Sunshine. May was quite a lovely month. I feel I really capitalized on the city's offerings and got to see a lot more of it up close and personal because of my new bicycle. Also: Josh and I went to see Animal Collective together, which was so very fantastic. I had purchased the tickets back in January before we had met in hopes I'd have someone to go with me.


June


Hot, uncomfortable June. I refused to install an air conditioner because I was rarely home. With Josh on summer vacation, most of my time was spent at his apartment (which has central air). I dealt with a lot of stress this month with Rosemary my cat. The uncertainty of where I'd be living after my lease was up in combination with some money struggles made for a taxing month.


July


There were lots of summery things involved in July. I was happy again, having figured out my moving plans so I enjoyed the month. We spent the fourth in my hometown and then I went on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach at the end of the month. Mom, Dad and I went parasailing at the beach, which is something I'd never dream of doing at my heaviest. I ran on the beach with my brother and took a bike ride when I needed some alone time. By this point in the year I had realized I needed "me" time to be happy. This is something I didn't have much of in 2008, and in 2009 it became so very precious. My beach trip with the first half of my two week vacation extravaganza, which continued in August.


August


The latter half of my vacation was, of course, Portland. It was my first flight (more firsts!) and first trip with Josh. It was the sort of trip that changes your perspective on things a bit. My favorite part was the nature. This particular photo, however, was taken on our stop at Skidmore Bluffs where we watched the sun set over the train yards and Willamette River. Again, I challenged myself to do and try things I've never done before. Upon my return to Philly, I moved into my new apartment. I feel like this is really where the slate was clean from 2008. I was so happy with my new life and ready for more new things to experience.


September


My entire family spent September waiting anxiously for the arrival of our new family member, who decided to bless us with his presence on September 27th. His name is Harrison Wayne and he was the complete star of the year for the Rittenhouse clan. We all love him so much.


October


I happily turned 24 this month and found much to be thankful for since my 23rd birthday. I celebrated with so many new friends that are all wonderful. Freelance picked up this month and it flew by so fast. I cherished my downtime, but was glad to have something so productive to keep me occupied.


November


Philly Tweed Ride was a highlight of the month. It's something I would never have joined in on a year previous. I swapped the tweed for a big red bridesmaid gown for my cousin's wedding in the middle of the month. It was sort of surreal to see my childhood best friend all grown up and saying her vows. Seeing my brother as such a great father has also been eye-opening as to how mature we've all become. The month ended with a bang, as we had an unconventional Thanksgiving involving an ER visit and some supermarket take out. I think all in all, it made me appreciate my family even more.


December


We're not very far into the month and I can tell already it's going to be busy. I'm not sure how to define it yet. We'll see how the holidays go. I've been very reflective and happy with how this year's turned out. It's safe to say it's one of the best. I feel so lucky and loved and optimistic for 2010.